How to Cope With Going Home for the Holidays

As much as I love my family, going home for the holidays always brings mixed emotions. I enjoy seeing them since I don't get to as often anymore—however, it can come with its own set of challenges, especially in relation to my mental health. If you're reading this, then you may have some concerns or anxiety about going home for the holidays. 

You're not alone as many of us deal with the same nerves and anxiety brought forth by seeing family (and extended family) who might share differing views, make triggering comments, or cross your boundaries. Regardless of the cause, going home can take a toll on your mental health, and it's important to manage that. 

Let’s be clear: You can love your family and still be anxious about going home for the holidays. Fortunately, we have some guidance to protect your mental health during this time usually spent surrounded by friends and family where you're generally expected to be happy all the time. 

Why can going home for the holidays negatively impact mental health? 

Unhealthy family dynamics 

For some people, returning home can reinstate old or unhealthy family dynamics that are hurtful. Not every family has a difficult dynamic, but many people who head home tend to find themselves treated by their parents the same way they were treated when they were a child, despite being a fully grown adult. 

"For many young adults, they are creating their own identity separate from their family of origin and then they are faced with the challenge of trying to fit this new version of themselves into the child-size space that everyone is used to," says Kaitlyn Rogers, LCSW, a licensed therapist at UpLift. "This can be something we fall into naturally on our own from habit or family members having expectations. ’What do you mean you don't like pie anymore? It was always your favorite!’ or ‘My house, my rules’ mentality."

Not only can this be frustrating, but it can also be damaging to any progress you’ve made to grow and break unhealthy cycles. 

Change of routine

Going home for the holidays can create a change in your routine, which affects your mindset. For example, you may not have as much structure as you did on campus or in the life you’ve built for yourself. That sort of daily change can throw you off. You also may not have access to the same support systems that you have in your current living situation, which can be a difficult adjustment. If your friends aren't around or reachable, you may not have the social stimulation to inspire feelings of community and belonging. 

Lack of boundaries

We all have those family members that simply don't understand boundaries or don't care whether they respect yours. This can cause feelings of sadness, anxiety, and even anger when the people who are supposed to care for you are actively crossing boundaries. 

One example is that you may find that you have little to no personal space when home. This can be difficult for people who need alone time to recharge their “battery” or store energy for social situations or other tasks. 

Another example is if your parents or extended relatives make a comment about your relationships, body, or personal life that's completely unwarranted. Many times these types of comments arise regardless of how many times you've told them how it makes you feel and that you don't want to talk about it. When people continue harmful behavior after being asked to stop, it’s normal to feel negative emotions.

Communication struggles 

As much as you'd like to think that your family has healthy communication skills, the stress of the holidays can strain even the best of relationships. Sometimes, people simply don't know how to communicate in a healthy and respectful way. 

During the holidays, this may look like extended relatives asking super personal questions or your parents airing your dirty laundry at the dinner table. Not every family has problems with communication, however, the issues can become more prevalent around the holidays when together again for a while.

Physical triggers 

Not everyone experiences physical triggers when they go home for the holidays, but it can happen. Personally, when I am in my childhood home I have flashbacks to the time period when my grandfather was sick. Not only is his room still there, but there are just so many memories in the home that are triggering for me. For some people, they may have negative memories associated with specific rooms in the house which can be hard to deal with after a prolonged period of time. 

How to prepare to go home for the holidays 

Before going home for the holidays, here are some tips on how to prepare to help ensure you have the best experience possible. 

Have a plan 

Despite being home, you'll want to try to keep some semblance of normalcy. 

"Create breaks or separation as needed. Get outside, journal, do some meditation, positive affirmations, etc.," says Rogers."Continue to use coping skills and keep up with routines that you are able to during this time. Focus on the things you can control, like your reactions, your time, and your needs." 

You'll also want to have a plan to set boundaries with family members so you can do your part to avoid unwanted and harmful situations. 

We'll be the first to say that setting boundaries isn't easy, but it really is important to try to protect your peace and mental health around the holidays.

"Boundaries are very necessary sometimes but not always easy to keep when faced with individuals who we care about or are scared to disappoint," says Rogers. "Try to talk to your family about your needs ahead of time so that their expectations do not conflict with yours." 

Remember that the holidays are temporary 

Typically, holiday visits only last for a few days so you most likely won't be home for weeks or months at a time. This can provide some comfort knowing that the holidays aren't permanent and that the days will pass soon enough. 

If you can, schedule your visit for only as long as you feel comfortable staying. (You may find that it’s too long, which is good knowledge to use for future visits.)

Understand that you don't have to stay with family

Staying with family can be nuanced—especially if you aren't financially independent—so you'll want to use your best judgment in each case. Just remember, although it may feel like you have to stick around for the holidays with your family, the reality is that you usually don't have to. 

If you’re an adult, you don't have to stay in places where you're not wanted, or respected, or simply don't feel safe and comfortable. (Frankly, you don't even have to go home in the first place if you really don't want to.)

Let’s say you're a college student who is home for break: You can always go back to your dorm if you live on campus. Yes, it may not be ideal, however, that's an option to get yourself out of the environment that's negatively affecting your mental health. Don't live on campus? Call a trusted friend or family member to see if you can join them to learn if the change of environment and company helps. 

Schedule appointments with your therapist 

Your therapist may not have appointments available on holidays themselves, but leading up to the holidays or afterwards, usually they'll have some slots open. If you anticipate going home for the holidays to be difficult, then you may want to have some therapy sessions booked to help you get through this time period. 

At the end of the day, going home for the holidays can be a pleasant experience, but it's also important to prepare to take care of your mental health during this time. Hopefully, these tips can help you better understand why heading home can be difficult and give you some ideas on how to better cope with the feelings, thoughts, and emotions that come up.